Monday, June 13, 2005

To pee or not to pee.....

A friend asked us to go camping. In a tent. In the woods. Without a toilet nearby.

Uhhhh, I dunno.

I've tried camping before. But more recently, camping has been pretty much become a stay at Motel 6. Really primitive camping is when they don't have cable tv.

I really don't camp. I want to though. I think. I have a large tent, brand new, still in the box. I have a camping stove, a lantern, cookware, ice chest, blow up bed, bedding in a container marked "for camping", the list goes on. In other words, I have everything I need to go camping.

Except the skill to pee in the woods. I don't pee in the woods. I can't pee in the woods.

It's more like I always end up peeing down my leg and into my shoe. I've tried to properly pee in the woods. Really I have. But, I can't.

All men have to do is unzip. All some women have to do is slide their pants down a little. Me? I'd have to remove every stitch of clothing below the waist as well as my shoes. I don't know how they do it.

I've researched peeing on line. Checked out products like this and techniques like this. I mean, I can't even do a proper hover over public toilet seats. I would pee on myself EVERY SINGLE TIME.

One time, I thought I had it mastered. My friend KTG and I were bar hopping, checking out the various bands playing across the city. My usual habit was to drink one glass of water for every alcoholic beverage - keeps hangover symptoms to a minimum but causes you to pee like a racehorse. Anyhoo. We had just left a nightclub when the urge hit me - fast and furious. It didn't matter what kind of dive we ended up at, just as long as they had a functioning restroom.

It was incredibly late and we were nowhere near anything but the park. I told KTG - I don't care how many homosexuals are having sex in that public restroom - if it's open, I'm going in. It wasn't. (That would have been interesting though. Dangerous. But interesting)

By this time I was going to explode - and I didn't want to spoil the evening by attempting any known position whereupon I would wind up peeing in my shoes. Then I had an idea.

KTG's car was very low to the ground - we parked close to the curb. I took off my panties, opened the door, hiked my skirt up and sat on the edge of the running board. My feet were spread apart and braced across the curb. My goal was to pee straight down into the gutter. Yep that was my goal all right.

To my surprise, the stream of pee arced up and over. DIRECTLY ONTO MY FOOT.

I just can't win.

My camping stuff is going to remain in storage for a while longer. Maybe I'll just stick to my Motel 6 version of camping. At least the toilet is close and they say they'll keep the light on for me.


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