Saturday, August 12, 2006

Chapter 3: Where they extract their revenge

I have previously mentioned my Deep Hatred for roaches. But I cannot emphasize enough the extent of my fear and loathing.

People have mocked my phobia and told me that I'm being irrational. However, the essence of a phobia, the essence of fear, is that it is indeed irrational. If it were possible to be rational about the thing, then there would be no fear of it.

See how that works?

See how stupid their "logic" is?

So anyway, back to my story. We have been trying to go regularly to our house in New Orleans to clean and salvage. At first, we saw lots of evidence of mice. I can deal with mice. Aside from the startle factor when they run right across your toes, mice are pretty tolerable. Well cuter anyway. At least to me.

However, now, it's the other things.

I bent down to pick up a box of ~K's~ books that was sodden and ruined due to the leaky (lack of) roof. It was stuck to the floor and beginning to mildew. As I tried to pry it from the floor, I noticed many little roaches scurry out of the box.

Uh Oh.

They were very little so it wasn't too terribly bad.

I got the can of spray and saturated that box. And the room. Didn't want to miss one. I wanted to give the poison time to work so I then moved to the adjoining room (~K's~) to start cleaning and sorting in there.

Now remember, there's no electricity so it's pretty dark and I'm using a little flashlight.

As I start putting things into trash bags, I see something scurry out of the corner of my eye. Always on the alert for those critters, I scream. Could be nothing but I wasn't taking a chance. (The hairs on my arms are standing up as I type this. I really hate them. I really really do.)

So anyway, I scream for someone to save me as the bug is between me and the door and I think he is calling in reinforcements. To extract revenge for committing Infanticide I am quite sure.

At this point, I decide to go outside for some fresh air when a dying roach (I could tell 'cause he had the shakes) comes after me from the other room so I quickly RUN to the porch.

I plop down on the bench across from ~K~, who loves to torment me on a regular basis by pretending to see a roach crawling behind me.

And of course, she chooses this moment to tell me she sees a roach. Ha Ha. Very Funny.

However this time it turns out to be the god-awful truth. So I run to get the bug spray and spray the entire porch. And Spray I did.


And ~K~ did her best to make me feel guilty for killing INNOCENT bugs. So I move to a chair across the porch, just to get away from it all.

And predictably, ~K~ follows me to tell me again "there's a roach crawling behind you". For she loves all bugs and even more so, she loves the bugs which frighten her mother. And even more than that, she loves to torment me. And of course, I don't need any jokes at this time. BUT SHE WASN'T JOKING. There was ANOTHER roach.

So there I stood, on the edge of the porch waiting for this bug to die as it crawls up the wall WHEN IT FLEW ONTO ME. I screamed, jumped (nearly falling off the porch) and broke three fingernails trying to slap the thing off of me.

Then and there I decide that I'm finished for the day. I decided to cry it out on the back of the truck. I mean, it's all so overwhelming. And as I walk to the truck, another roach chases me down the sidewalk. I am not making this shit up.

So I grab the first thing I can find. Weedkiller. I spray that roach for all I am worth. And let me tell you. Weedkiller works great on bugs. Better than it does on weeds.

So of course, ~K~ is upset that I've killed another of her beautiful pets. For don't you know that if you ever get cancer you'll regret killing it as studies done on roaches help find cures for cancer. (I'll let you do the web search on that one.)

Anyway, now I'm really at my wits' end when I look across the yard and see some roaches crawling on the fence. Truly. I just couldn't take it any more.

I don't know what it is. Maybe I put out some roach Pheromone. Hey! That might even help explain the types of men who are usually attracted to me. Hmmm.

So a few days pass by and I've had time to recuperate.

Late last night, I take the dog into the backyard for the final potty trip of the day. She likes to be chaperoned on the late night outings. Usually, I just stand on the little stoop and sing the "Sassy's got to potty. Potty, Potty, Potty" song. With accompanying dance. Usually. (Lord only knows what my neighbors think.)

But I digress.

Last night, before I had a chance to shake out the first stanza, a rogue cockroach runs right across the little patio and heads to the steps. WHERE I AM STANDING. BAREFOOT.

So I run inside leaving the poor dog to fend for herself for a few moments while I grab the extra large can of Roach Spray. I open the door and practically empty the can. Yes sir. Global warming is all my fault for the amount of accelerant I have now discharged into the atmosphere. I don't care though as long as that roach is dead.

I figured I was safe for a good while given the amount of poison that was released.

So. Ask me how surprised I was when I took the dog out this evening for her last potty trip of the day and while preparing to do the potty song and dance and I turn to see YET ANOTHER ROACH headed in my direction. And this sucker ran all the way to the step from WAY ACROSS THE PATIO.

I can't explain it. I wish I could. It borders on the unbelievable. I'd gladly trade the roach pheromones for something like.... winning lottery number pheromones, free movie ticket pheromones, limousine with attractive driver pheromones. Something that wouldn't make me shake and cry and trip over myself trying to get away.

It's like I've got some secret power over roaches. I sure wish I had the same power over people. On the other hand, it's not like I can get the roaches to do my bidding. If that was the case, I'd be sending them in the opposite direction. Far far away from me. Hell, now that I think about it, I'd like to do that with a bunch of humans too. I've really gotta look into this pheromone thing.

P.S. I just read this article. I'm going to give it a try.

ScienceDaily: Cockroaches Beware! This House Has Been Treated With Catnip


Post a Comment

<< Home

As the owner of this blog, I assume no responsibility for any errors, or inaccuracies, in its content or judgement. I am not a doctor or lawyer, nor do I portray one on TV. Void where prohibited. Use only as directed. Batteries not included. Caution: May Be Hazardous to Your Health. Accessories sold separately. Not to be used by children under 3. May cause drowsiness. No animals were injured in the making of this website. Do not operate heavy machinery. No shirt, No shoes, No service. Do not overinflate. Stay back 300 feet. Recommended by 9 out of 10 dentists who chew gum. Caution: Makes wide turns. Keep out of reach of children. For external use only. Parental guidance suggested. Do not use during last three months of pregnancy. Objects may be smaller than they appear. Simulated picture. Sold for the prevention of disease only. Artificially flavored. All rights reserved. Not for human consumption. Stops at all railroad crossings. Contents under pressure. Best when used by expiration date. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. No smoking. Prices may vary. Configuration subject to change. Plus tax, title and license. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited. Monitor sold separately. Found to be only 99.9% effective as a contraceptive. Plus shipping and handling. Do not freeze. Your mileage may vary. Close cover before striking. Please rewind. Not used for purpose intended. Adults only. This tag is to be removed only by consumer. No carryouts. You agree to these Terms and Conditions by using this site. Available for a limited time only at participating locations. Not responsible for lost or stolen articles. Discontinue if redness or swelling occurs. Not animal tested. FDA approved. Unattended children will be given candy and a free puppy. Contents may settle during shipping. Stir occasionally. Do not discontinue use unless directed by your physician. Keep out. Do not use if seal is broken. For chronic continued constipation consult your doctor. Store at room temperature. Results may vary. Shake before using. Flammable. Patent pending. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Due to the graphic content, parental discretion is advised.