Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Not perfect, but a perfectly acceptable man

He is a strictly heterosexual, XY chromosome-bearing, legally not-married, U.S. Citizen. He is not a convicted (or un-convicted for that matter) felon. He is gainfully & steadily employed so he never asks to borrow money. Nor does he ask to borrow my car as he has his own vehicle - properly insured and well maintained, of course.

He is not currently, has never and does not need to be, undergoing treatment for a psychiatric disorder. He is disease, drug and addiction free. This is important so it bears repeating - he is verifiably Sane and Sober. He is also in generally good physical health. He is a non-smoker and a light social drinker as alcohol is not a pre-requisite for him to have a good time.

He is a well mannered gentleman. He always says "please," "thank you," "excuse me" and even "bless you" when I sneeze. He opens doors, waits for ladies to be seated first, has a firm, dry handshake and makes formal introductions. He never spits. He knows to remove his hat when he comes indoors and especially when he sits down to eat. He is a generous tipper and kind to waitresses, sales clerks and the janitorial staff. He always identifies himself on the phone and politely says both "Hello" and "Good-bye" (or some variation).

He chews with his mouth closed and also knows how to properly hold and use his fork and knife. He no longer cuts his steak into tiny pieces all at once, like his mama used to do for him, or mix everything on his plate into his mashed potatoes. He would never even think of licking the rim of the ketchup bottle nor does he drink milk/juice straight from the carton. He does not make unusual sounds/noises, such as moaning, when dining except when eating chocolate or other rich, sinful desserts.

He is not a vegetarian/vegan, on a special diet, nor does he have multiple food peculiarities. In other words, he’ll eat meat and some vegetables at least, and won’t complain or pick out the bell pepper, onions and garlic. Oh, and along those lines, he is NOT a member of PETA or for that matter, any other extremist groups, cults or sign-carrying, protest-organizing pains in the ass. That includes political party activities as well. Unless, of course, free food/gifts are involved.

He is capable of closing a door, turning out a light, washing a dish and changing the toilet paper roll when empty. AND DOES SO. He is usually punctual, but if late, apologetic. He doesn’t mind spending long hours in vehicles nor stopping frequently for bathroom breaks. He actually enjoys, or at the very least, tolerates, having kids and dogs around as he likes kids, dogs AND cats and he doesn’t really care where they sit or sleep or eat. And he is never cruel nor hits any of them.

He is loving and affectionate, tolerant and gentle. He is supportive, patient, respectful and kind. He is honest, generous and dependable. He is selfless, loyal and utterly devoted. He is moderately tempered, humble and forgiving. He not only hears, he listens. He might look at other women but he only has eyes for me.

While he is confident, he is not loud or obnoxious (that’s my job). He does not have to be the center of attention nor is he is a braggart, name-dropper or overly materialistic. He is never physically nor verbally abusive. He is not antagonistic, manipulative nor passive-aggressive. He does not play mind games. He is not jealous nor possessive (well, maybe a little). He is definitely not paranoid or suspicious. Neither is he a martyr.

He sets goals and strives to reach them. He understands the need to prioritize and is capable of doing so. He is optimistic and able to find the silver lining of dark clouds. He tends to see the glass as ½ full, not ½ empty. He tries not to sweat the small stuff. He is a gracious loser and an even more gracious winner. He is practical, flexible and open minded,. He won’t beat a dead horse, knows when to call it a day, and is able to throw in the towel as well as wave a white flag. He is not necessarily religious but should be spiritually strong. However, if he is a member of a particular faith - he does not seek converts.

He is funny (and not just to himself), enjoys laughing, a lot, and can see the humorous side of most everything or at least, tries. He can laugh at himself and more importantly, he can make ME laugh. He is creative and at least a little adventurous. He doesn’t mind trying different things or going to new places. On the other hand, he is not willing to risk life and/or limb, neither mine nor his own (however, if he is actually willing to risk his own life/limb, he has sufficient insurance coverage). He is inclined to indulge my whims, within reason. He is passionate, but not obsessive, about the things/people he loves. He is willing to stand and fight for me and defend my honor. (Ok, taking a punch may be asking too much, but the point is he should be WILLING to take it.)

He is intelligent but not necessarily an intellectual and will gracefully admit it if there’s something he doesn’t know. He is not coarse, vulgar nor crude. His vocabulary is not limited to variations on four letter words and if ever used, they are kept discreet and to a minimum. Bonus points if he knows what a thesaurus is. He will NEVER EVER tell me that I’m "stupid" or to "shut up." Never. He is able to initiate and maintain a conversation on a topic that does not involve sports, religion, sex or politics. Or hunting. Or vehicles. He keeps all ‘Guy Speak’ letter/number combinations to a minimum - you know, the "280Z", "AK-47", "200 bit, 15 mg of RAM, 1600 zillion gigabyte" type of references. Oh and he doesn’t talk just to hear his own voice. He converses, he does not lecture.

He appreciates cultural activities. He has at least one membership in a club that does not involve movie rentals. Or beer. He’s actually visited a museum (not including his 6th grade field trip and train museums don’t count either.) His reading is not limited to the comics, sports or money sections of the paper. He enjoys all types of music and movies or is at least willing to sit through a song or film, or two, not included in his usual repertoire. He will even tolerate the occasional sub-titled foreign flick of the non-pornographic variety. He is not put off by spending an evening at the theatre and will even attend musicals. He can actually watch tv in half hour increments without feeling the need to channel surf.

He owns and wears socks in a color other than white but NEVER wears them with sandals. He also has at least one clean, long-sleeved, buttoned-down, non-flannel shirt - with a collar. Piercings and tattoos are kept to a minimum and hopefully are not too obvious or painful to look at. He washes his hands, with soap, each and EVERY time he uses the restroom. He shampoos, bathes, cleans and clips nails (fingers AND toes) and uses deodorant regularly. Good dental hygiene is a must.

He does not have a ponytail or a comb-over. (Here’s a piece of advice for men who are bald or balding: We See It. We know you are bald. You can’t hide it, try as you might. And for the most part, we don’t care. But if you attempt to hide it by parting your hair directly above your ears and swirling it over the empty spot or combing it in any other unusual way - then we really notice. And we laugh. Bald isn’t funny. Pitiful attempts at disguising it are. It also makes us wonder what else you are attempting to deceive us about. Oh, and if you are balding on top - please don’t let what’s left grow long and wear it in a ponytail. Long hair in the back does not compensate for no hair on top. Truly.)

He does not usually snore.

He never complains about the amount of luggage I require for my accoutrements.

He knows who the real boss is.

He likes and appreciates big, curvy women.

Ideally, he has had or is willing to have a vasectomy.


  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "Ideally, he has had or is willing to have a vasectomy."

    It sounds like he already has. Let me tell you, Mr. Perfect does not exsist. Nor does Mrs. Perfect. Love is found in the midst of our imperfections. That list is annoying as hell to read. Sorry, but it is.


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