Monday, November 08, 2004

"You are my Idol, but I am my Ideal"

I’m a proud, smart, voluptuous woman. I have both brains and beauty (or so my mother tells me). I look much younger than my physical age due to good genes and the liberal use of sunscreen. I act much younger than my physical age due to the insanity that runs in my family. Just kidding.

I have a wonderfully wicked sense of humor. I like to laugh. A lot. I scream with laughter at the smallest things but am crappy at telling jokes. I’ll never laugh "at" someone, just "near" them. Laughter is very important as it is what keeps me sane. That and a current Valium prescription. I am still kidding.

I am an utterly devoted single parent of one incredible nine year old girl. She is the most precious gift for which I waited most of my life. I’ve always had smothering instincts. You read that right the first time, but that topic is another paper all on its own. Officially note, however, that I am an excellent mom. And an excellent driver. No kidding.

I’m not very romantic. Sensitive, yes. Romantic, NO. I don’t keep track of anniversaries, save mementoes, or actually read the sentimental verses in Hallmark cards. Furthermore, I don’t like poetry or the majority of other amateur, creative writing attempts.

I’m lousy with names. I feel fortunate if during the evening I can remember the name of my date. I’m sure this a subconscious, passive-aggressive way of saying something about the people I meet but I don’t have the time, money or energy to invest in years of psychotherapy to analyze that any further. Good thing I don’t have any trouble saying "Oh my god, I can’t remember your name at this moment" and people probably write that off thinking "Another dumb blonde." Except when that happens on a date, then I have to be a little more creative.

I’m not into the outdoors, especially if it’s hot or cold. I don’t want to sweat like a race horse nor freeze my ass off. I prefer the shade over the sun. I don’t like walks on the beach because 3 weeks later I’ll still feet grit in my teeth, drawers and shoes. For me, primitive camping is a motel without premium cable channels. I don’t like bugs or dirt. I will not pee in the woods. I will not sleep on the ground. I don’t want to be that close to nature.

I like spending rainy days in bed, napping, reading and watching old movies. In fact, I prefer to spend most days in bed, napping, reading and watching home improvement shows. I can sit down and watch documentaries with as much interest as I have when I watch "Survivor," my favorite program on TV. I like to channel surf but I do it only when alone as I don’t want to subject anyone else to my insane viewing preferences. Please, don’t subject me to yours.

I like to sing. Not that I can. The difference is insignificant only to those who are already hearing impaired. I like to sing in the car and pretend that my hairbrush is a microphone. I like to sing loudly until my friends beg me, no, PAY me, to stop.

The musical instrument I play best is the radio. I used to play the harmonica. I would rehearse by holding it out the car window and driving real fast. I’ve been ticketed three times while practicing.

I read voraciously. Anything and everything. Well, truthfully, I don’t very much care for golf or boxing magazines. I like to read the daily paper first thing every morning. I’ll read in the laundromat, doctor’s office, parking lot or bank line. And actually, there is some intrinsic value in a Harlequin romance novel. Not much though. But some.

I like crossword puzzles and learning new words. I like to use language, or at least attempt to use it, to clearly express my thoughts and feelings. When I write, I’ll search for the most accurate and concise words. So, while may take me a little longer to accomplish a written task, it will be an excellent read. You wouldn’t believe how long it took for me to write this.

I also like trivia. I know a little bit about a lot of things. I can converse with most anyone on almost any topic, for a few minutes at least.

I like to be prepared. I need to be early. I hate hate hate to be late.

I don’t like large crowds or long lines. I hate sitting in traffic too. I’d rather drive miles out of my way - but still be moving, than sit and inch forward.

I am a great cook (you can tell by my hips) and don't mind doing the dishes. Or laundry. But I absolutely detest sweeping, mopping and dusting. I don’t care if the bed is made every day. On the other hand, I do like the clothes in my dresser and closet to be organized.

I drink only occasionally. Not beer and no hard liquor either. I like sweet, fruity drinks. But note, drinking does not make me looser, livelier or bolder. Mostly, it makes me sleepier. I don’t smoke because it is unhealthy, stinks and I spend too much money on perfume to smell like cigarettes. Cigars make me sick. I do not do drugs because I’d rather spend the money shopping.

Speaking of shopping, I am a bargain hunter. I like garage sales, estate sales and thrift stores. I like ebay and I watch ads carefully and compare. I usually have something in mind and search until I find the right item for the right price. It kills me to pay full price for most things, although I believe every woman should wear good purses, good bras and good shoes. Those are worth every penny.

I have an excellent sense of taste and style. I dress nicely and like to be coordinated. That said, I regularly wear Birkenstocks and do not own any sneakers. I prefer fabrics made from natural fibers. I have only one pair of jeans and usually wear them when the temperature drops below 40EF. Oh, and I won’t wear white after Labor Day. Ever. Nor do I believe that you may wear white at Easter. Memorial Day is the official start of the "white wearing" season.

I never borrow money from friends and am always ready to pay my own way. I like to think that I’m a generous tipper. I’d be more philanthropic if I could afford it.

I'm not religious but very spiritual. My faith is strong, private and not open to negotiation.

I set high standards and try to select friends with similar ideals. I will also admit that I am often disappointed by others. I'm honest, dependable and loyal and expect these qualities in return. It takes a long time to earn my trust and should that trust ever be broken, it takes even longer to earn it back.

In the past I was often called naive but the older and more experienced I become, the more skeptical I am becoming as well. I believe the proof is in the pudding. I am straightforward, realistic, practical and sensible. I believe actions speak louder than words. Oh, sure, I have dreams but my feet remain firmly planted. It takes a lot to impress me. I believe you should put your money where your mouth is.

I have little tolerance for injustice or stupidity. I am guided by my conscience throughout my daily routines. I do what I know to be right and not necessarily what is popular. I follow through with commitments, even if something better comes along later. I do what I say and say what I mean. Yes, that is a song lyric.

I'm also adventurous and creative. I like to be different and try new things. I truly believe that if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing well.

I’m publicly proper and privately provocative. I'm a well-mannered woman that you could proudly introduce to your boss, or even your mother and yet I have a devilish streak a mile wide.

Yes, I am outspoken, impatient, independent and as stubborn as a mule yet I will not only honor my word, but I will be there early (how many other women can say that?) and with a smile on my face.

Yes, I will tell you what you want to hear as well as what you don't and I'll do it in such a way that you'll thank me.

And yes, I can be a formidable adversary as well as the best friend anyone ever had.

(Humility is my most outstanding quality as you may have noticed.)


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