He said the eff word first. Not me.

In search of a mind-numbing activity to occupy my over-stressed brain, I recently placed a personal ad on line. Not your usual ad, mind you, as instead of trying to attract a man, my ad eliminates practically every man who could read it (most obviously can’t write, I really don’t expect them to be able to read) or reply (in English – complete words and sentences required).

However, I find it wickedly pleasurable to read ads and mock them. And as most sites force you to sign up in order to read ads or send messages, I chose a site that another friend had already signed on.

Now, most days, I read and forward ads, photos and messages to her so we can share a good laugh. Sometimes I even write to the men asking them to clarify the idiotic statements in their ads or to point out discrepancies. Most of all, I want them to know that I know they are full of B.S. And then I send these conversations to my friend. And we laugh some more.

I know, I have a special place in hell reserved. I’ll save you a seat beside me.

In reading these ads, I’ve come across tons of clichés. Apparently few guys on dating sites are capable of original thoughts. Probably why they are posting there in the first place.

Personally, I think all the clichés are secret codes for various sexual acts but that’s fodder for another post. However, most of these guys profess to be “laid back and easy going” but don’t want someone who is going to try to change them. Of course, money is not important to any of them. And they ALL think that they are very good looking. Oh yeah. By whose definition of “good”?

These men are usually searching for a “down to earth woman” who, like them, wants to walk hand in hand on a moonlit beach and cuddle on the couch while watching movies in front of a roaring fire. Blech. Most of them too, like “outdoor activities” and enjoy “sports.” Double Blech.

They all want a woman who “enjoys life” or “loves to have a good time”. I mean, really, who’s going to claim “I really don’t like life” or say “I detest having a good time.” Yeah, I can picture the woman’s ad reading: “I hate living. I hate having fun. I’m looking for a man to make as miserable as I already am.” Duh.

On second thought, I should try that... ooooh, what an idea. I’m thinking about that ad now... But I digress.

Oh, and I just love when the guys only write, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask.” Ah yes. That one sentence has intrigued me so very much. This guy is sooooo mysterious. Now I’m dying of curiosity and I must know everything about him. I cannot resist him.

Ha.

What that one sentence really tells me is the guy has no imagination whatsoever and isn’t really smart enough to think of something to write about himself.

NEXT.

Or better yet, he lists nothing except that he is looking for a woman who shares the same interests. What these interests are we’ll probably never know because HE didn’t include any in his ad. Genius!

Many of them have a good “sence (sic) of humor”. Few of them know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Not a single one knows how to run their ad by a spell/grammar check program.

Idiots.

So of course, in my ad, I concluded it by stating that I have NO interest in any of those things. I actually went so far as to write “I HATE SPORTS.” In all caps, just like that. The audacity, huh? I’m chuckling now just thinking about it.

I also wrote that I hate cuddling, amateur poetry, walks on the beach and public displays of affection. For good measure, I added that they must live in my area so that I could write scathing responses to their messages such as “Didn’t you read my profile? I’m not interested in a long distance relationship.”

I know. I’m horrible. We’ve clarified that already.

Well, anyhoo. Someone read my profile – all the way to the end, which is an accomplishment indeed as I wrote so much I went over the character limitation. And this guy, mister TroyBoyFun4U, wrote to me saying, “with your list of things you don't like, what the fuck do you do thats (sic) fun?”

Not even a “hello”. Didn’t even start with a capital letter. Spoiled our first correspondence with vulgarity. Lovely gent, isn’t he? So well mannered. I’m sure his momma is very proud. And he must be the expert on fun. It’s right up there in his name.

So therefore... as I’ve attempted to live my life devoid of sports, most outdoor activities, cuddling on the couch and reading amateur poetry, apparently, I’ve never had any fun.

Ever.

Nope.

Not one single fun thing in my entire life.

Because as we all know, there’s no fun to be had at museums, or aquariums or circuses. No. Nothing to be enjoyed at movies, live plays, concerts or ice shows. Just more dismal experiences to be found wandering around flea markets, antique stores or craft shows. Eff barbeques and crawfish boils with friends and family. How could anyone have a good time at one of those?

And, as I’ve previously written, apparently reading and writing are not very creative activities so therefore we could deduce that they too offer little pleasure. No one in the history of the world has ever enjoyed cooking or baking, singing or dancing, dining out or dining in, right? Scrapbooking, blogging, gaming, photography, collecting anything, playing with one’s kids or pets or just spending time watching sitcoms on tv CANNOT POSSIBLY BE ANY FRIGGIN' FUN!!!! RIGHT?

I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF NOW. MY LIFE IS SO… SO… SO… UN FUN.

So... What did I say in response?

Well, I was very honest. I wrote that I “Read personal ads that are written by idiots and post them to the internet for all to mock and enjoy. That's fun, isn't it?”

Well, isn’t it?

I think so.