Sunday, November 26, 2006

Excerpts from my cat's diary

I recently came across a journal of sorts on my computer. Upon closer examination, I found that the cat has been keeping a diary. Below are some excerpts.

Note to self: change password.

Day 163
  • Each morning, my captors read pages of what is called a newspaper. I found that it is particularly annoying to them if I lie on it while they read. Shredding the newspaper is also a particular peeve of theirs, and I have taken delight in attempting to do this before they awaken.

Day 214
  • There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could still hear their irritating noises and smell their vile food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 250
  • I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. It is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. It is obviously mentally challenged! The bird, on the other hand, must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so his safety is assured, for now. But I have patience, I can wait, for it is only a matter of time...

Day 322
  • My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite rug. I must remember to try this on their bed. Tomorrow, I will eat another houseplant.

Day 381
  • For entertainment, I have taken to terrorizing the dog. Sometimes I stalk it, other times, I sit on the kitchen table and swing my tail over the edge as a lure. When the dog approaches to investigate, I swipe at it with my sharp claws. That dog is such a half-wit. It knows very little about my prowess as a hunter and is forbidden by my captors to attack me. Bwahahahaha.

Day 446
  • I slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 490
  • I am finally aware of how truly sadistic my captors are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws. Well, that and the fact that the dog was chosen to be their next victim.

Day 517
  • The guards regularly dine on fresh meat while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to maintain my strength. The only things that really keep me going are my dreams of escape and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture and blaming it on the stupid dog.

Day 563
  • My captors have now obtained a "fish tank" - which serves to make up for part of my loss in the food department. While the little creatures are tiny, they are quite tasty. They have yet to replace the two small fish that I have consumed. I must think of a way to make them notice the loss and perhaps blame it on the dog.

Day 635
  • Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan. I must rethink my strategies.

Day 679
  • This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

Day 705
  • The bird continues to mock me. Its little metal room has proven stronger than originally anticipated...

The above is a compilation of multiple "diary excerpts" found on the web to which I added my own touch and photos from A search for cat diary found hits on 1,660,000 English pages. I'd give credit where credit is due but at this point that's kinda tough.


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