A Little Lagniappe

Great Sore Throat Treatment

2011-05-17T16:20:00.003-05:00

Recommended by my daughter's pediatrician:

Equal parts: Maalox, Liquid Benedryl, Liquid Tylenol

I purchased all three in cherry flavor.

Put in small cup in the ratio of 1:1:1. (1 tsp each or 1 tbls each depending on the size of the patient.)

Swish, gargle and swallow.

Also helps with sore mouth.

Angular Chelitis

2011-05-15T21:21:00.002-05:00

Y'all, for the past few months, I've had a bleeding crack in the corner of my mouth. It would scab over during the night and break open when I'd eat or talk. I don't know if it is indeed angular chelitis or something else. I do know that when looking for a treatment, most websites link back to a site that charges you for a "cure".

Surprisingly I did find something to help and am listing it here for free. I've tried numerous antibiotic ointments, creams, and balms, chapstick and carmex, none worked as well as this:

Wash the area thoroughly with soap and water. Liberally apply "BAG BALM" and rub it into the crack. I bought a can for about $9 at Walgreens. Whenever the area seemed to be drying out, I would put on more.

Within two days, it's healed shut. It has some flaky skin and the area is reddened but no more bleeding. I'm hoping that in another couple of days it will be completely gone. I'll update later but so far so good.

25 years ago.....

2009-10-19T18:46:00.006-05:00

I saw a movie that I immediately loved. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension.

Gosh, even the quotes from that movie are outstanding:

Sealed with a curse,as sharp as a knife. DOOMED IS YOUR SOUL AND DAMNED IS YOUR LIIIIFE!

where are we going? planet 10 when are we going? real soon.

Ohhh ... the deuce you say.

History is-a made at-a night! And character is what you are in the dark.

Laugh while you can, Monkey-Boy.

I recently bought the DVD and introduced ~k~ to Buckaroo. And Perfect Tommy. And Emilio Lizardo.

I thought that she was ready and able to appreciate it. I knew she would love John Bigboote. She's hooked and I'm thrilled.

25 years ago, I became a registered Blue Blaze Irregular. I think that somewhere I might still have my pin, saved from Katrina. I still use my BBI name as an online ID. At the same time, I was an official double agent and had a "John" name. Years later when ~K~ was born, it was one of the nicknames I used for her.

This movie was my first real step into fandom. I mean sure, I loved Star Wars and sat in line for hours to see the 2nd and 3rd installments and collected posters (I mean "one sheets") and other paraphernalia.... I watched Star Trek regularly. Buck Rogers, Battlestar Gallactica (Lt. Starbuck.... my oh my I loved him.) And man, I saw Logan's Run so many times I could quote it as much as I could quote the RHPS.

But it was Buckaroo that brought out the inner geek, made me take the extra steps into fandom. And I'm tickled pink that ~K~ gets it. And we can share these moments.

And for a little while, in her eyes, her mom is cool.

uh huh, really

2009-08-23T16:00:00.001-05:00

Created by The Oatmeal

But, what if it is?

2009-07-12T09:00:00.004-05:00

I hear ~K~ stirring upstairs and know that she's awake. She comes downstairs pokes her head into the living room and then goes straight into the bathroom (quite unusual for her). I hear something that sounds like the buzz of her toothbrush. What? Brushing teeth without being reminded umpteen times? This can't be right. What's going on here? Is the world coming to an end?

Me: What were you doing?

~K~: Brushing my teeth.

Me: (incredulously) WHAT?

~K~: Don't worry, it's not a sign of the Apocalypse.

FYI

2009-07-08T21:14:00.003-05:00

If you are toothless, chewing (or should I say "gumming") gum and speaking English in such a way that you do not pronounce consonants, AND you are trying to converse with me, please do not expect my reply to be anything more than a smile and nod because I have no earthly idea what you are saying.

Do you know it took me 3 minutes to figure out that you were talking about eating SHRIMP? S H R I M P. NOT swimps. There is no "W" in Shrimp.

Everyone loves a smart ass

2009-06-21T14:41:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pets, Sassy and Sophie, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm waiting in line with nothing better to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Sistah Sophie T. Up close and personal

2009-06-12T20:40:00.002-05:00

Welcome the new addition to our family

2009-05-14T09:09:00.004-05:00

Miss Sophie T. aka Nipper Sticks

Really. She looks and acts JUST LIKE THIS.

Forget that pig virus...

2009-05-05T08:59:00.002-05:00

we're havin' a squirrel problem

2009-04-22T18:46:00.001-05:00

this might be a solution

Hoppy Easter

2009-04-11T20:48:00.002-05:00

Just another day at wally world.....

2009-04-06T18:20:00.003-05:00

Me: (to electronics dept. clerk behind cash register) Hi, I need the XXX game for the XXX game system.

Clerk 1: Just a minute, I need to get "clerk 2".

(She hollers and the clerk 2 answers from a couple of aisles away so I walk over to meet clerk 2.)

Me: (to clerk 2). Hi, she called you for me. I need the XXX game for the XXX game system.

Clerk 2: Just a minute. (She walks over to Clerk 1) You called me?

Clerk 1: (pointing at me) That lady needs the XXX game for the XXX game system.

(Clerk 2 walks past me without speaking to me and I feel a strong urge to follow because somehow I'm sure she's gonna mess this up. She walks to the game aisle, stops, turns and looks at me. I walk up to her, figuring she's just waiting for me to 'catch up'.)

Clerk 2: (just looking at me).....

Me: (catching on) Yes, I need the XXX game for the XXX game system.

(She walks over to the XXX game system case and unlocks it. She stops, turns and looks at me. I don't know why. Then it hits me.)

Me: Oh I am so sorry, I thought for sure you heard us both say I needed the XXX game.

Clerk 2: No I didn't. (She removes the game from the case. It says on it "XXX game." She turns to me and says) This one?

Me: Yes, thank you.

(Without looking at me again, she walks back to the electronics register, hands it to Clerk 1 and walks off.)

Fine example of customer service, huh?

Truly a WTF moment.....

2009-03-14T20:24:00.000-05:00

but it made me smile.

VD

2009-02-14T17:46:00.002-06:00

Yes Indeed!

I was surprised that the sun still rose this morning.

2009-01-21T18:43:00.002-06:00

Have you heard the one about......

2009-01-17T21:54:00.000-06:00

the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?

Truth is stranger...

2009-01-13T11:34:00.001-06:00

...than anything I could make up.

Something's wrong with this

2009-01-09T18:23:00.001-06:00

If I could, I'd be in bed by 7pm daily (Except for "Survivor" Thursdays). What part of that says "22"?

You Act Like You Are 22 Years Old

You are a twenty-something at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life.

You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up.

The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.

What Age Do You Act?

Happy New Ear

2009-01-01T00:01:00.000-06:00

"I see,"

2008-12-27T19:05:00.003-06:00

said the blind man to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

That is all.

Merry Xmas

2008-12-25T05:05:00.000-06:00

Exactly!

2008-12-12T16:23:00.000-06:00

News from Louisiana

2008-12-04T20:28:00.001-06:00

The New Orleans Saints football practice was delayed nearly two hours late this morning after a player reported finding an white powdery substance on the practice field.

The head coach immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Sometimes.....

2008-11-25T17:17:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I wonder....

"why is that frisbee getting bigger and bigger?"

And then it hits me.

Just because you're in college doesn't mean you are smart

2008-11-13T13:21:00.002-06:00

From the "Police Report" column in the newspaper of our local university:

"A suspicious man wearing camouflage was reported on campus. An officer discovered that the subject, a student, was an army recruiter who was going to a presentation at a local high school after his class."

Geniuses.

I need a laugh, how about you?

2008-10-22T18:41:00.002-05:00

Hinga Dinga Durgen!

2008-10-09T10:19:00.002-05:00

Really. It's Leif Erikson Day. Spent the week (and $14) making a paper mache viking helmet so ~K~ can wear it for 3 seconds this afternoon in front of her friends.

However, it was worth it as I learned that it's a legitimate holiday and that viking helmets can be fun. Helmets are fun. Paper Mache. Not so much.

I wonder how he stays in business.....

2008-09-17T09:14:00.003-05:00

Hurricane Gustav took my roof. Been getting estimates and one roofer wanted to send my quote via email. I'm not surprised that I haven't received it yet.

ME: My email address is X X X X S, That's S as in Sam, at email.com

HIM: So that's X X X X F, as in Fish, right.

the bright side of evacuating....

2008-09-07T20:36:00.002-05:00

Apparently there are NO mosquitoes in Mississippi. They all live in Houma, Louisiana with the majority located in or around my backyard.

I don't miss them.

Thank Goodness for the Internet

2008-08-19T13:22:00.001-05:00

AHHHH, the Irony.

Rubbing salt in the wound

2008-08-04T16:17:00.003-05:00

We went to dinner the other night and a very pregnant young lady was seated next to me. Throughout the meal she frequently referred to the baby as "she" and as the mom-to-be seemed to want to talk about all-things-baby, I asked her what girl names were being considered. "Lola," the expectant mother replied. "Ahhh" I said and then SANG "I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said 'Lola' L-O-L-A Lola Lo lo lo lo Lo - la."

And the young lady replied, "No, Lola. From that song. You know, '...she walked like a woman but talked like a man. Oh my Lola la-la-la-la Lola.'"

I am painfully aware that I cannot sing. But DAMN. Really?

Where least expected.

2008-07-21T20:15:00.004-05:00

Surprise, surprise.

Found this on the myspace page of some local wanna be gangsta whose page was filled with so much slang and so many typos I wanted to poke my eyes out. Not sure if this redeems it but what a shock to find it.

What are the odds?

2008-07-12T12:17:00.006-05:00

The lawn is in desperate need of mowing. In fact, when we walk to the car in the side yard, it's like walking through the jungle and we are in dire need of a machete. So, as the day starts off with blue skies, I wait until the decent hour of 8am on a Saturday morning to haul out the mower and give the grass a trim.

Our shed is covered by a tarp because last year a huge limb of the pecan tree fell on top and damaged it. Since I have neither the skill, inclination or funds to fool with a metal roof at this time, we just covered it and went about our business. I have to lift the tarp, unlock the shed door and move some fallen boards before I can squeeze the mower out.

I start it up and as I make a few laps of the yard my bra starts to irritate me. Funny though, I put on a old soft cotton bra that would stand up to the sweat from exertion and subsequent heavy laundering. I rub my back at the spot and my mind wanders.... I'm allergic to bee/wasp stings and my back is kinda prickly. Did something sting me? I'm still breathing so perhaps something just scratched my back as I moved around the yard.

I finish the large section and move to small strip of grass. My back is prickly on the other side now and I really wand to rub up against a tree to scratch it but I also want to get this over with. Maybe in time to see the reveal of the episode of "Sell This House" that I love to watch on Saturday mornings and am currently missing.

I quickly move to the driveway and mow through the tall grass. The mower kills a couple of times because it's so thick so I have to go slower. Ah well, maybe I'll make it in time for the next half hour episode's reveal. I hop into the truck to pull it down the drive as I've not mowed around it in months. As I do, my bra strap really starts to prickle. Damn. Maybe I forgot to wash this bra after the last time I worked in the garden. "Yuck," I'm thinking.

Yuck is right. How yucky though I didn't know at the time.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS.

I pull open the top of my shirt to look at my bra strap and INSIDE OF MY SHIRT IS A BUG THAT RESEMBLES A ROACH. BUT PRICKLIER.

It looked similar to the one in this google image.

Only 10x larger.

I damn near wrecked the truck.

A ROACHBUG IS INSIDE OF MY CLOTHES. A ROACHBUG IS TOUCHING ME.

A ROACHBUG HAS BEEN CRAWLING AROUND MY BODY FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES.

I've seen these bugs before and usually attempt to cut them in pieces with any long handled, sharp, gardening implements I have at hand. And here was the sonofabitch in my shirt.

Somehow, I manage to put the truck into park and jump out and slam the door. At least I know where the bug is. I'm almost hysterical but remind myself that real roaches aren't prickly. I'm ready to call it a day RIGHT NOW, but I really really need to mow the grass. So, I can only hope that I remember to get ~K~ to find the bug before I need to drive the truck again. Oh, but I have to back the truck up to its original spot after I finish the drive. SHIT. I open the door, look around, and no sign of it. I quickly do what I have to do and since this was the final bit of mowing for the day, I put the lawn mower back into the shed and head inside for a shower.

I go inside the house. I'm sweaty but all goosepimply and full of anxiety from this close call with a ROACHBUG. I tell my mom the story and we talk of getting the girl to find the bug later on today. So I then head to a the shower to wash all traces of the bug and morning from my skin. I mean really. A ROACHBUG TOUCHED ME.

IT CRAWLED ON ME. IT TOUCHED MY SKIN.

I turn on the shower and then remove and drop my sweaty clothes on the floor. I then look in the mirror to pull the elastic out of my ponytail and that's when I SEE IT.

THE ROACHBUG IS IN MY HAIR.

Even though I didn't notice it, it must have crawled back onto me when I moved the truck. I scream for my mother to come help me get this bug off of my body. I'm bending over and letting my hair hang so if the insect does fall out, it will fall away from me.

My mother says she doesn't know what she's looking for. I tell her to look for a roach about an inch long. And as I shake my head, and do the naked-bent-over-at-the-waist version of the "roach dance", the roachbug falls to the floor and tries to squirm onto its feet. Probably to take a second, or is it a third now, attempt to assassinate me. My mother removes the insect with a wad of toilet paper as I jump into the shower to avoid being in close proximity to the bug. She leaves the room, bug in hand, to throw it away FAR FAR AWAY FROM ME.

SHEESH.

I stand under the warm water trying to wash away the anxiety of not one but two ROACHBUG incidents. If you know me, you would be aware of how just having a roach in the same room affects me, much less having one be close or even, gawd forbid, touch me.

I'm beginning to feel relaxed, having scrubbed my skin where the ROACHBUG crawled over it. I turn off the water, grab my towel and start to lower my foot to the floor of the bathroom WHEN I SEE. ANOTHER. ROACHBUG.

ANOTHER ROACHBUG.

How many of these damned things are there??????

I'm pretty sure this one crawled out of my clothes. And now I'm pretty sure that the one in my hair was NOT the same one from my bra strap (and I'm pretty sure that one is still in the truck awaiting my return.) SO THAT MAKES THREE ROACHBUG INCIDENTS IN ONE DAY.

THREE ROACHBUGS.

All before 8:30 am.

I need a valium.

So, how was YOUR morning?

What a bargain!?!

2008-07-09T12:58:00.001-05:00

But there are no reruns of Survivor.

2008-06-08T16:08:00.008-05:00

Me: The new season of "Army Wives" will be starting in a few minutes if you want to come watch it with me.

Mom: I used to watch that show.

Me: Yes, we watched the first season last year. The second season starts tonight.

Mom: No. I used to watch it but stopped watching. I don't know why I stopped watching it...

Me: Because is hasn't been on tv.

Mom: I don't know. I haven't seen it in a while.

Me: NO ONE HAS SEEN IT. The show first started about a year ago. And just like most shows, it's on tv for a while, then reruns, then a new group of shows. JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER SHOW YOU WATCH.

Mom: I don't know.

Update:

40 minutes later

Mom: Where are all the husbands? Aren't they on the show anymore?

Me: What?

Mom: Haven't you seen this show before? They all have husbands in the military.

Me: HUH? What? Yes I've seen it! (I mean, really!)

Form your own rock band

2008-06-05T17:53:00.005-05:00

Stonebridge
"It doesn't go away"

Well, that didn't turn out too terribly bad..... Now you can do it too:

Click here to get the name of your band (title of a random Wikipedia article).

Click here to get the name of your first album (last four words of a random quote).

Click here to get your first album cover (third random Flickr picture).

My Reservation Has Been Confirmed.

2008-06-01T18:12:00.001-05:00

I'll save you a seat at my table.

And it will be hell to spend eternity next to sports fans.

It looks like he snacks on danes, brits and krauts too.

2008-05-26T19:51:00.005-05:00

Pictured: Giant 6'6" Cow:
"Despite his grand stature, Chilli only grazes on grass during the day and enjoys the occasional swede as a treat."

It's like this EVERY DAY.

2008-05-16T20:46:00.003-05:00

Mom: I want to go get my haircut before we leave for [grandson's] graduation.

Me: Haircut? You just got your haircut two weeks ago. It hasn't really grown much.

Mom: Not a haircut. I meant that I want to have it styled so it looks nice for the graduation.

Me: Ok. But you do know that you will be on the road for at least two days so your hair won't look any different than it does today by the time you get to the graduation.

Mom: Oh. Nevermind then.

10 days later. After Mom sends in her reservation for her class reunion to be held in a month.

Me: How about we make an appointment for the morning of your reunion to get your hair done.

Mom: I don't need a haircut.

Me: I didn't say "hair CUT", I said "Hair DONE." Have it fixed to look nice for the reunion.

Mom: I don't care what my hair looks like.

Me: But.... three weeks ago.... for the graduation... You had wanted to get your hair done.

Mom: My hair looks nice the way it is.

Me: Nevermind.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T10:42:00.004-05:00

BTW, the Duggar's are currently expecting their 18th child.

Happy Cinqo de Mayo

2008-05-05T12:28:00.001-05:00

Leaving me speechless

2008-04-24T15:44:00.003-05:00

One day last week.....

~K~: (taking off her ipod headphones) oooh, turn that up, I like that song.

Me: (turning up the volume on the car radio)

~K~: (after listening for a moment) That's not the song I thought it was.

Me: What song did you think it was?

~K~: "Shake Your Booty"

Me: You like that song?

~K~: Yeah.

fast forward to this afternoon...

Me: (hearing KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty" and turning up the volume on the car radio because that's the kind of loving mother I am) Your song's playing.

~K~: (wearing ipod headphones) What?

Me: That song you like, "Shake Your Booty", is on the radio.

~K~: I've heard it before.

Me: Yeah, but last week...

~K~: ...

Me: Nevermind.

What is Easter?

2008-03-23T12:43:00.002-05:00

Three cajuns had just died, and arrived at the Pearly Gates of Heaven on Easter Sunday. St. Peter greeted them and told them that they could pass through the gates only if they could answer one simple question.

St. Peter asked the first cajun, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The cajun replied, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…”

“WRONG,” replied St. Peter. He then proceeded to ask the second cajun the same question, “WHAT IS EASTER?

The second cajun replied, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents,and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looked at the second cajun and shook his head in disgust. He turned and looked at the third cajun and asked, “WHAT IS EASTER?”

The third cajun smiled and looked St. Peter squarely in the eye. “I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiled broadly with delight. At least one of these yokels was getting in.

The third cajun continued, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

just wanted to share this

2008-03-15T12:14:00.001-05:00

DST is killing me

2008-03-11T12:51:00.004-05:00

Interesting? Odd? Or just plain BAZAAR?

2008-03-05T19:40:00.002-06:00

I am quite disappointed in myself....

2008-02-19T15:58:00.000-06:00

How evil are you?

Show Me Somethin' !

2008-02-05T08:47:00.001-06:00

I shouted "Throw Me Sumpthin' Mister!" and got
Mother Of All Beads

Get Your Virtial Mardi Gras Beads at JokesUnlimited.com

Happy Mardi Gras Y'all!

You are more fortunate than you know

2008-01-13T17:10:00.000-06:00

24%

Happy, happy

2008-01-01T10:20:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T13:28:00.001-06:00

I know you are but what am I?

2007-12-30T13:17:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm not a big fan of MySpace. Even though more and more adults are signing up, I still tend to think of it as a "kid thing." If I'm going to blog, I'll do it here. If I want to chat, I'll open up my favorite IM program. I'm just not all that into maintaining yet another site that would open myself up to the crap, actual and potential, that surely would follow. I prefer a little more world-wide anonymity than MySpace profiles allow.

But that doesn't mean that I don't surf MySpace, catching up with the goings on of many other people, some of whom I don't even know. Ok, I'm nosy, I'll admit it. With some time on my hands. But you'd be surprised at the information people are willing to post about themselves and their lives. Then again, probably not.

;)

One such poster caught my eye, so I travelled her message link and read about her.

This young, local (to me) woman is 25 years old, has 4 kids (one of which is a freshman in high school) and is expecting yet another in about 2 months. Do the math, I did. Not a high school graduate, but from what I could deduce, the poster might have her G.E.D.

Might. But I seriously doubt it.

In one of her blog posts, she wrote this:

"Just because we are from 'down the bayou' doesnt mean that we are idiots. Cause we are far from being retards of a mixbreed."

Of course you can see how I would certainly disagree with her statement. Especially considering her initial four word message which led me to her site..... it simply read, in all sincerity I am sure: "Is you off today?"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of what is wrong with America today. And sadly, she is too blind to see it.

Honey, you ain't that far off. Trust me.

WTF People?

2007-12-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

My neighbor told me that she recently attended the wake and funeral of a young man who was a victim of a particularly horrific traffic accident. It made the local news. The young man was decapitated.

She said that the viewing was "open casket."

Yeah. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That somehow they reattached his head during the embalming? Or rested it on the pillow with the neck somehow disguised?

But NOOOOO.

The casket held a HEADLESS corpse. With a scarf where his head should have been.

WTF?

As if there weren't other, less gruesome, less traumatic options? Like closing the casket or cremation? Geez. WTF is wrong with these people?

Merry, Merry.

2007-12-25T20:31:00.001-06:00

Y'all are killing me here.

2007-12-23T12:17:00.000-06:00

The word "handicap" is a friggin' noun or verb. ONLY. It is not an adjective or adverb. However the word "handicapped" can be used as either a verb or adjective.

You wouldn't make a sign saying "Disable Parking" would you? NO! You'd write "Disabled Parking".... in the same light it should be "Handicapped Parking."

Similarly one can NOT BE "Prejudice." However, one can BE "PrejudiceD."

OMG. It's making me crazy. The missing letter "D". Sometimes accompanied & preceded by his friend "E."

It's NOT "First Come, First Serve." It's "First Come, First ServeD."

It's NOT "Ice Tea." It's "IceD Tea."

It's NOT "Toss Salad." It's "TossED Salad."

It's NOT "Bake Chicken." It's "BakeD Chicken."

It's NOT "Whip Cream." It's "WhippED Cream."

It's NOT "Old Fashion." It's "Old FashionED."

And while I'm at it:
"HEIGHTH" is NOT a legitimate word and "Library" is pronounced "LI - BRER- RY" not "Li-Berry."

Whew, I feel so much better now. Thank you and have a nice day.

Fa la la la la, la la la la

2007-12-19T12:39:00.000-06:00

Please, click on the cartoon to see the punchline.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I'm so proud of myself..

2007-12-18T15:13:00.000-06:00

Reason #519 why I won't object when they come to take me away

2007-12-02T17:11:00.000-06:00

Me: Mom, why do you keep flipping the light switch off by the coffee pot.

Mom: To turn off that outside light.

Me: That outside light is on a sensor. It automatically turns off in the daylight.

Mom: Well! It turns off when I flip the switch.

I'm okay with my role

2007-11-25T12:51:00.000-06:00

and here's why....

Black sheep: "In psychology, a black sheep is the member of a rigidly triangulated family, who holds the rest tightly together by being identified as the bad/sick/deviant one who causes all the family problems. In this situation, the rule enforcer in the family is charged with the job of controlling the black sheep from revealing the family secrets. The black sheep is seen as an outsider, but only because he is a teller of truth."

Think what you want of me. Say what you want about me. Just know that I sleep well at night. My conscience is clear. As is my karma.

Black Friday Tales

2007-11-23T10:10:00.000-06:00

I was rushing around early this morning trying to get the Black Friday bargains before they were gone. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and damp in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about nine years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the early morning's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was six years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her day job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the dark.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loudly did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

I didn't know why. Now I do.

2007-11-05T17:36:00.000-06:00

Daylight saving time - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Starting in 2007, most of the United States and Canada observe DST from the second Sunday in March to the first Sunday in November,[72] yielding 34 weeks of DST every year, which is 65% of the year. The 2007 U.S. change was part of the Energy Policy Act of 2005; previously, from 1987 through 2006, the start and end dates were the first Sunday in April and the last Sunday in October, and Congress retains the right to go back to the previous dates once an energy-consumption study is done.[73]"

Please tell me.....

2007-11-03T12:49:00.000-05:00

If you are not costumed as a pimp, what exactly would you be wearing to the following event?

Why did I even entertain the conversation?

2007-11-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

Even though I knew it would make me feel ill, I finally caved in and opened one of the little Halloween candies we had leftover. I chose my favorite miniature - Baby Ruth. I haven't eaten one in a long long time.

Me: OH. This doesn't taste like a Baby Ruth. (checking the package) It says Baby Ruth though.

Mom: What's the matter with it?

Me: It doesn't have any peanuts or much nougat in it - it tastes like it's a chocoate covered caramel.

Mom: Maybe they made some without peanuts.

Me: Then it wouldn't be a Baby Ruth, it would be some other nutless candy bar.
'
Mom: Well some people can't eat peanuts. Maybe they wanted one without peanuts.

Me: Then they should choose another candy bar.

Mom: Like what?

Me: Like any other one, WITHOUT PEANUTS.

Oh yeah, Happy Halloween.

2007-10-31T10:07:00.001-05:00

Huh?

2007-10-31T09:22:00.000-05:00

From the local newspaper:

First Baptist Church... will host a "Trunk-R-Treat" from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. Wednesday in the parking lot of the church’s Northwest Campus... The event is free and open to the public. No scary or spooky costumes, such as ghosts, witches or spiders. Candy donations accepted.

Yes, that's correct:

NO SCARY OR SPOOKY COSTUMES, SUCH AS...... SPIDERS.

'nuff said.

WHAT?!?

2007-10-21T10:58:00.001-05:00

Interesting......

2007-10-16T21:09:00.000-05:00

Offensive? Probably. Funny? Terribly.

2007-10-12T09:01:00.000-05:00

Wolves in sheep's clothing

2007-10-09T12:50:00.000-05:00

A very good friend sent the following to me. It was in an email that had been forwarded NUMEROUS times. My message included the hundreds of emails of previous recipients and was really difficult to read with all those friggin' arrows and horrendous line breaks.

I've actually edited it to post here. It's a nice sentiment, but it's the very last line that really takes the cake.

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year.

For the remaining months of this year (2007), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today, God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows, and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down.

I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message"... God smiled and answered... Request granted.

If you believe this message, send it to seven persons and the one who sent it to you.
By doing this you have succeeded in praying for eight people today.
If you do not forward, the prayer will stop.

That's right folks. If I do not forward this email GOD WILL NO LONGER BLESS AND PROTECT ME. Isn't that nice? Wait! There's more..... my agonies will return, I will be defeated and my future, unfavorable. AND all my sufferings, sorrows and pain will return. No longer will I be joyous but instead, faced with many hardships. FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.

Aren't these wonderful sentiments to be wished upon me for simply NOT forwarding this email? And GOD?!? wanted someone to tell this to me? Really!?!

What kind of asshole writes this sort of thing and then sends it to their good friends?

I love my friends and am honored they think of me but hate, hate, HATE getting this kind of crap.

If they actually liked me, they would cut, paste and edit this shit instead of just lazily clicking the FORWARD key and making me wade through all the useless parts of the message.

If they loved me, they would snip that "send this message to X# of people right away" part so I would get all of the blessings and none of the headaches or bad luck for not forwarding.

And if they really loved me, they would leave me out of the spam loop altogether and take me off their list.

Thank you so much for thinking of me.

With friends like this, who needs enemas.

Blech.

2007-10-07T11:57:00.000-05:00

1,887,480

Sad to say, this conversation has occurred more than once.

2007-10-06T19:25:00.000-05:00

Me: What are you watching?
Mom: Football. Clemson's playing. (Note: Her grandson goes to Clemson)
Me: So why aren't you wearing your Clemson shirt?
Mom: I am wearing it.
Me: No. That's not the Clemson shirt.
Mom: Yes it is. It has the tiger mascot on it.
Me: That's not the Clemson tiger. That's Tigger. He's a Winnie-the-Pooh mascot.
Mom: No. This is the Clemson Tiger.
Me: No. It's Tigger from Winnie-the-Pooh. T - I - Double Guh- ERR. I think that I can tell the difference.
Mom: Oh well, don't tell my grandson.
Me: Maybe that's why they're losing.

Please....

2007-10-04T08:48:00.000-05:00

WTF People?

2007-09-27T18:32:00.000-05:00

The paragraph below is from an actual ebay auction. This person claims to have been working for the same company since she graduated from high school 17 years ago so we can estimate her age to be around 35.

She is 35 years old and does not know how to spell SATAN?

She can spell "wreath" but not "Satan". She can spell "basically" and "tortured" correctly, but not "Satan." She can even properly punctuate the possessive tense of "Boss" but CANNOT FRIGGIN' SPELL SATAN?????

And what about all the damn commas?

Ok,,,now I know,,,,,,,some people are gonna think I have either lost my mind or that I am the mean nasty rotten person,,,,but,,,,,swear,,,I'm a super nice person.......just ask me. Well up for auction is this Wreath that was a gift to me from a girl who is basically Iam sure is a direct decendant to saten (not quite sure how to spell that , sorry but you know who I'm talikin about the mean guy with the pointy things comming out of his head with the red outfit and the tali) Each day at work I am basically tortured by this nut. Now,,,,,,,,you say,,,,,,,,,grow a spine girly,,,,,,tell her off,,,,,,ok,,,,,,here is the fun part of all this,,,,she is guess what,,,,,,,,,,,The BOSS'S crazy sister. Hmmmmm not so funny now is it. Now....you say ok,,,,well quit that bad job at that mean place with the Cranky , Moody, MEAN, Vicious co worker. Hmmmmm have thought of it ,,,have been there 17 years,,,,,,,straight out of high school.....sooooooooooo yikes,,,am I guess nervous to quit.......Maybe this will bid up enough to pay for me to have my reseume done !! Yippee,,,,that would be a good thing. Can't quit with out a job.....have a sister that is getting married and am saving for her wedding dress. Ok,,,,,,,,well now,,,,,,,I think I'm done,,,,,,,,just want the MEAN Wreath gone, Want to set it on fire,,,,but,,,well ya know has the beautiful Angel on it and,,,,,,yikes,,,,,don't want to set fire to and Angel.

Oh, and here's the photo of that butt ugly wreath.

Like, such as...

2007-09-16T08:42:00.001-05:00

It's been so very hard.

2007-08-29T21:44:00.000-05:00

And it's cheap!!!

2007-08-13T13:24:00.001-05:00

Need new tires? An oil change?

This about sums it up.

Maybe I am a redneck.

2007-08-06T17:15:00.000-05:00

Movies.com compiled a list of the 25 Best Movies You've Never Seen.

I was disappointed to find that I have only seen seven of the twenty-five.

I thought that I was more cultured than that.

Do as I say, not as I do

2007-08-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

Our opossum is gone. A neighbor caught him in a trap while trying to catch the feral cats in the area. She said he was huge. I kinda miss him. So does the dog.

Anyway, since the "basement" tenant was gone, I thought this would be a good time to evict the noisy squatters in the attic. We read somewhere that mothballs would rid an area of squirrels and keep them out of the house.

Yeah, squirrels and any other living, breathing thing within several hundred feet.

NEVER NEVER DO THIS. NO MATTER WHAT ELSE ANYONE TELLS YOU OR YOU READ ON THE INTERNET.

I threw, by the handfuls, a large box of mothballs all around the attic crawlspaces.

The box said to use 16 ounces in a small closet. I figured the attic was larger than a small closet so the whole 24 ounce box should do the job.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Within minutes, the smell of mothballs permeated the entire house. And it won't go away.

EVERY THING now smells like a maw-maw. WE SMELL LIKE MAW-MAWS. Which is ok for my mom, because, well, she is a "maw-maw." And speaking of my mom, she doesn't smell a thing. So therefore, there is no problem as far as she's concerned.

Then again, I keep reminding her that she insists the bathroom doesn't smell after she uses it when it really REEKS TO HIGH HEAVEN. She must truly be the one person on earth whose shit does not stink. So her opinion really doesn't count here.

Now I have to admit, that once you become accustomed to the odor, you no longer smell it. It hits you when you walk in the door but within minutes, the stench is seemingly gone. However when you leave the house, it's a different matter. My friends immediately sniff the air and grimace when I arrive and I say "Yes, it's my new cologne, eau du mothballs."

It's funny, my doctor noticed the mothball smell too. I told him the story and he said, "Yeah, it was strong at first but now I hardly notice it. I like the smell. Reminds me of my grandmother."

Gee. Thanks. I think.

To make matters worse, I had even sprayed on my usual perfume as I normally do when I dressed that morning. What a waste.

Since that fateful day, I've tried to find some advice on the internet to help clear this up quickly. Since ~K~ and I have attic bedrooms, I've found that my eyes and nose are burning when I awake. It can't be healthy to breathe in that much vapor.

Many suggestions were for spraying odor removing stuff which in reality is only temporary. Like 5 minutes temporary. The odors continue to return as long as the mothballs are here.

Since squeezing into the attic crawlspace to remove them, and perhaps coming face-to-face with a creepy-crawley of some sort and panicking and thereby falling through the ceiling and breaking my legs if not my neck, is completely out of the question, I've had to resort to some other remedies.

So far, I've purchased several containers of activated charcoal and sprinkled some into small shallow dishes and placed at least one in every room. I also used knee high stockings to make some charcoal sachets and hung them around each room as well. And for good measure, I bought several large activated charcoal containers specifically made for use in closets and other closed-in spaces and placed them near the crawlspace door.

For the upstairs bathroom, which I had forgotten has an open vent to the attic area and now wreaks of Naphthalene, I temporarily sealed the vent and purchased an "odor remover" type of deodorizer. And in every other room I plugged in heavy duty air fresheners.

If the mothball smell doesn't kill us, these spring fresh fragrances will. I don't bother with my perfume any more, I've accepted the fact that I smell like mothballs found in freshly rained on fields of spring linen. So attractive, huh?

I do plan on renting a shop vac and sticking the hose through the crawlspace door as far as I can reach. I know it will not remove too many of the mothballs as I really pitched them across the attic, but it will be that many less trying to poison us.

I've since read that squirrels hate men's aftershave lotion. I certainly wish I had had that information before I bought the mothballs. It's much preferable going around smelling like some man's been rubbing all over me than smelling like I've been sleeping with maw-maw.

Live and Learn. Live and Learn.

P.S. The squirrels are gone.

He said the eff word first. Not me.

2007-07-28T19:54:00.000-05:00

In search of a mind-numbing activity to occupy my over-stressed brain, I recently placed a personal ad on line. Not your usual ad, mind you, as instead of trying to attract a man, my ad eliminates practically every man who could read it (most obviously can’t write, I really don’t expect them to be able to read) or reply (in English – complete words and sentences required).

However, I find it wickedly pleasurable to read ads and mock them. And as most sites force you to sign up in order to read ads or send messages, I chose a site that another friend had already signed on.

Now, most days, I read and forward ads, photos and messages to her so we can share a good laugh. Sometimes I even write to the men asking them to clarify the idiotic statements in their ads or to point out discrepancies. Most of all, I want them to know that I know they are full of B.S. And then I send these conversations to my friend. And we laugh some more.

I know, I have a special place in hell reserved. I’ll save you a seat beside me.

In reading these ads, I’ve come across tons of clichés. Apparently few guys on dating sites are capable of original thoughts. Probably why they are posting there in the first place.

Personally, I think all the clichés are secret codes for various sexual acts but that’s fodder for another post. However, most of these guys profess to be “laid back and easy going” but don’t want someone who is going to try to change them. Of course, money is not important to any of them. And they ALL think that they are very good looking. Oh yeah. By whose definition of “good”?

These men are usually searching for a “down to earth woman” who, like them, wants to walk hand in hand on a moonlit beach and cuddle on the couch while watching movies in front of a roaring fire. Blech. Most of them too, like “outdoor activities” and enjoy “sports.” Double Blech.

They all want a woman who “enjoys life” or “loves to have a good time”. I mean, really, who’s going to claim “I really don’t like life” or say “I detest having a good time.” Yeah, I can picture the woman’s ad reading: “I hate living. I hate having fun. I’m looking for a man to make as miserable as I already am.” Duh.

On second thought, I should try that... ooooh, what an idea. I’m thinking about that ad now... But I digress.

Oh, and I just love when the guys only write, “If there’s anything you want to know, just ask.” Ah yes. That one sentence has intrigued me so very much. This guy is sooooo mysterious. Now I’m dying of curiosity and I must know everything about him. I cannot resist him.

Ha.

What that one sentence really tells me is the guy has no imagination whatsoever and isn’t really smart enough to think of something to write about himself.

NEXT.

Or better yet, he lists nothing except that he is looking for a woman who shares the same interests. What these interests are we’ll probably never know because HE didn’t include any in his ad. Genius!

Many of them have a good “sence (sic) of humor”. Few of them know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Not a single one knows how to run their ad by a spell/grammar check program.

Idiots.

So of course, in my ad, I concluded it by stating that I have NO interest in any of those things. I actually went so far as to write “I HATE SPORTS.” In all caps, just like that. The audacity, huh? I’m chuckling now just thinking about it.

I also wrote that I hate cuddling, amateur poetry, walks on the beach and public displays of affection. For good measure, I added that they must live in my area so that I could write scathing responses to their messages such as “Didn’t you read my profile? I’m not interested in a long distance relationship.”

I know. I’m horrible. We’ve clarified that already.

Well, anyhoo. Someone read my profile – all the way to the end, which is an accomplishment indeed as I wrote so much I went over the character limitation. And this guy, mister TroyBoyFun4U, wrote to me saying, “with your list of things you don't like, what the fuck do you do thats (sic) fun?”

Not even a “hello”. Didn’t even start with a capital letter. Spoiled our first correspondence with vulgarity. Lovely gent, isn’t he? So well mannered. I’m sure his momma is very proud. And he must be the expert on fun. It’s right up there in his name.

So therefore... as I’ve attempted to live my life devoid of sports, most outdoor activities, cuddling on the couch and reading amateur poetry, apparently, I’ve never had any fun.

Ever.

Nope.

Not one single fun thing in my entire life.

Because as we all know, there’s no fun to be had at museums, or aquariums or circuses. No. Nothing to be enjoyed at movies, live plays, concerts or ice shows. Just more dismal experiences to be found wandering around flea markets, antique stores or craft shows. Eff barbeques and crawfish boils with friends and family. How could anyone have a good time at one of those?

And, as I’ve previously written, apparently reading and writing are not very creative activities so therefore we could deduce that they too offer little pleasure. No one in the history of the world has ever enjoyed cooking or baking, singing or dancing, dining out or dining in, right? Scrapbooking, blogging, gaming, photography, collecting anything, playing with one’s kids or pets or just spending time watching sitcoms on tv CANNOT POSSIBLY BE ANY FRIGGIN' FUN!!!! RIGHT?

I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF NOW. MY LIFE IS SO… SO… SO… UN FUN.

So... What did I say in response?

Well, I was very honest. I wrote that I “Read personal ads that are written by idiots and post them to the internet for all to mock and enjoy. That's fun, isn't it?”

Well, isn’t it?

I think so.

Reading is fundamental. Or evil. Whichever.

2007-07-24T08:07:00.000-05:00

So I've been busy lately. I had a stack of excellent books I've been working my way through. And no, it didn't include THAT one. Because. Surprisingly. I keep forgetting to go pick it up. Really.

Sure, I hear you thinking: "How could you possibly forget to pick up your copy of Harry Potter? Why didn't you have it shipped? Blah blah blah."

And here's the reason: I went on-line and read the spoilers. I know how ends. Supposedly. So I'm not in any real hurry.

Yeah yeah yeah. I cheat. BFD.

It won't diminish the magic of the story for me though. It's like with any movie that has a dog, I won't watch it unless I know the dog's fate. "Is the dog gonna die?" I always ask. I need to be emotionally prepared for the outcome. I don't want to be surprised if someone I have come to love is going to die.

Same reason I stopped going to psychics. And stopped reading my horrorscope. (Purposely typo'ed. Don't write me about it.)

But get this. Last night my neighbor was over and we were watching the news. One clip mentioned the weekend sales total of the current Potter and it reminded me. "Oh shoot", I said, "I've got to go pick up my copy of the book soon......" ( I had pre-ordered but there's an expiration date on the voucher.)

My neighbor became very still and I could feel something going on. So, of course, I just had to stir the pot. I then added, "Man, I wish I just had $1 from each book sale. That J.K. Rowling really raked it in on those books. I wish I had the talent and imagination to write like that." And my neighbor quietly replied, "It's because she wrote about the devil."

Blink blink

WTF?

I know my mouth dropped open. And I know my neighbor belongs to one of those weird Christian churches. And I know that she's never even read an excerpt from the book but merely believed when her preacher decried it as "EVIL". One letter short of DEVIL.

But is she implying that an author is hugely successful only if they sell their soul to the devil? Or writes about him? Puhleeze.

(BTW, it's the same neighbor who once said to me that if it's not in the Bible it does not exist and I retorted "What about microwaves and color tv? They aren't in the bible and I have them in my own house. I know they are real." Sorry. Couldn't help it. I love my neighbor but I can't stand to hear crap parroted like that. Or the devil made me say it. One of those reasons.)

So come on. You know I had to reply this time too. "Harry Potter is not about 'the devil'. But it is the story of good versus evil. Many books throughout history contain the story of good versus evil and never talk about the devil. MOST books, in fact, are the story of good versus evil. (and the clincher...) THE BIBLE IS THE STORY OF GOOD VERSUS EVIL AND THE BIBLE TALKS ABOUT THE DEVIL."

(Yeah. Explain the success of THAT one.)

Anyway, I knew that would get her and she couldn't argue with my point. She didn't say too much about it after that. She murmured about magic or witchcraft or something. I think. I'm pretty sure she rolled her eyes though.

My neighbor usually comes over to watch some popular shows on tv with us. I wanted to tell her to pick a tv show. Any detective show. Cops versus murderers and rapists. Good versus evil. Right? Are they hugely succesful because the writers and producers sell their souls?

Hmmmmm. On second thought. It is Hollywood. And there is Tom Cruise. Maybe I need another example to prove my point.

But it did remind me of something my father once told me.

My dad loved watching westerns. He must have seen every cowboy movie ever made. At least twice. Sometimes though, in more recent years, they were interspersed with whatever movie was K's film du jour, which as any parent knows, is the movie that is watched over and over and over until you can recite the dialogue in your sleep. AND hearing the songs will now cause your ears to bleed.

One such movie was The Lion King (1994). (Are you thinking of an Elton John song now?)

My dad told me that every western, and probably every other movie as well, was the retelling of the story of "The Lion King". A children's story of good versus evil. He was right too.

Think about it.

Simba, the good guy, the hero, the protagonist. Scar, the bad guy, the antagonist. Mufasa, the sage, the advisor, the old champion. The Hyenas, the evil minions. Nala, the girl, or the horse depending on the western. Timon and Pumba, the comic relief.

Every western. They are all there. Pick a movie. Pretty much any movie. Pick a POTTER movie. You'll find them in there as well. Good versus evil.

Harry Potter is the Lion King. But without all the singing.

Wait a minute. That thought IS diabolical indeed.

Ah well. Such is life.

They all look alike to me.

2007-06-23T20:01:00.000-05:00

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a light while not really paying attention.

The driver got out... he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy..."

I replied, "Well, which one are you, then?"

Best Movie Quote of the Week

2007-06-07T16:40:00.000-05:00

If stupidity was pee, you'd be a urinal.
Birdie Langdon, Write & Wrong (2007)

Next time, KNOCK first.

2007-06-06T12:22:00.000-05:00

As a mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old and unmarried. This thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old and unmarried. This thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Now, please go away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later, the mother came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter and heard that same buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

The Magic EightBall Knows All

2007-06-04T20:21:00.000-05:00

My Question:

When will I meet "Mr. Right-for-me"?

The Magic EightBall's answer:

Ask the Magic 8 Ball

People should come with warning signs...

2007-05-27T19:20:00.000-05:00

My "Sexy" Name. Don't laugh. Stop it.

2007-05-20T21:09:00.000-05:00

Get Your Sexy Name

The Cupid Shuffle

2007-05-14T11:24:00.001-05:00

Earlier this year Cupid, a young R&B/hip hop artist from Lafayette, Louisiana, came out with this song and dance. The Cupid Shuffle. Which is quite easy to learn and as much fun to do as it is to watch. Apparently this video is a compilation of a variety of Cupid Shufflers and their personal styles. Enjoy!

Treat Your Mother Right

2007-05-13T09:50:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day!

Observations about some men and their mothers

2007-05-13T01:43:00.000-05:00

Never marry a man who hates his mother, because he'll end up hating you.
~ Jill Bennett

Men are what their mothers made them.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Unhappy is the man for whom his own mother has not made all other mothers venerable.
~ Richter

It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
~ Helen Rowland

Children are the sum of what mothers contribute to their lives.
~ Unknown

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him. Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed.
~ Harold Macmillan

If you could choose your parents,... we would rather have a mother who felt a sense of guilt—at any rate who felt responsible, and felt that if things went wrong it was probably her fault—we’d rather have that than a mother who immediately turned to an outside thing to explain everything, and said it was due to the thunderstorm last night or some quite outside phenomenon and didn’t take responsibility for anything.
~ D.W. Winnicott

Maybe a little TMI.

2007-05-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

By now you've heard, right? Of Sheryl Crow's "easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming?"

On her blog:, she wrote: "One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."

One square of toilet paper? One? Uno?

On "Pesky occasions" 2-3 COULD be required?

You must be friggin' kiddin' me.

I spend a lot of time, too much time if you really want to know, in bathrooms. But completely necessary time, if you get my drift.

One square cannot even adequately clean up after what comes out of my nose much less my other end.

My personal hygiene routine requires, no, DEMANDS, that my private parts be completely clean and dry. One measley square of even two-ply t.p. will not, can not, stand up to that job. And believe me when I tell you that I am by no means "wasting" paper.

Am I alone in my sentiments here?

Apparently not as Sheryl is backpedaling faster than her ex. Now she claims it was just a joke to get people's attention. To Global Warming.

Yeah, Uh-huh.

Here ya go Sheryl....

I'm just joking.

Seriously though, I could always recycle mine for ya.

I don't see what the problem is....

2007-05-08T10:51:00.000-05:00

N: How come you always buy the same kind of ice cream?
Me: Because this is the one we like.
N: Why don't you try some other ones?
Me: We like this one the best.
N: But they have all kinds of new flavors out.
Me: This is the one we like. We really like this flavor. So, this is the one we buy. But if you tell me which flavor you like, we'll get that one too.
N: It doesn't matter. I'll eat anything.

Gumpism #2:
Most people don't look dumb till they start talkin'.

le mieux que je connais les hommes, le plus j'aime mon chien

2007-05-06T08:17:00.000-05:00

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About My Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

I absolutely love my dog. In fact, I like dogs better than most people I know. Here's why:

Dogs do not have problems with public displays of affection.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't brag about who they've slept with.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch. And dogs never laugh at how you throw.
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs can be trained.
Dogs can be forced to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct your stories or your grammar.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs do not care whether or not you shave your legs or underarms.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs never get bored with you and look for someone younger and more exciting.
Dogs never act ashamed to be seen with you in public.
Dogs do not ask to borrow clothes, money or your car.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs do not ignore you when you come home from work. In fact, the later you are, the happier they are to see you.
Dogs never tell you to "shut up."
Dogs understand when you cry.
Dogs don't ask you to spend time with their mother.
Dogs love you more than they love anybody else.
Dogs are utterly disinterested in professional sports.
Dogs don't criticize the way you keep house.
Dogs don't demand to control the TV remote.
Dogs love you unconditionally.
Dogs are satisfied with a belly rub.
Dogs don't mind morning breath.
Dogs don't ask why.
Dogs don't smoke.
Dogs won't drink your last beer.
Dogs never break promises.
You're always Number One with your dog.
You can bury a dog in the backyard, no questions asked.

The greatest love is a mother's; then a dog's; then a sweetheart's.
~Polish Proverb~

Happy Cinqo de Mayo

2007-05-05T03:44:00.000-05:00

So why DO you go to the library?

2007-05-04T06:59:00.000-05:00

N: What do you do that's creative?
Me: I write. I haven't written much lately, but I love to write.
N: No, I mean something artistic. What do you do that's artistic?
Me: I write.
N: No, I mean, like, I play the drums. Music. That's artistic.
Me: I understand the concept. I write. Writing IS creative. It IS a form of artistic expression. You've read a book before? For pleasure? Haven't you?

Gumpism #1:

You may be an idiot, but try not to be stupid.

It's not too late to whip it.

2007-05-03T06:18:00.000-05:00

I was watching a rerun of "Raising Helen (2004) on tv last night. I know. I know. I don't have a real life. Haven't we already THOROUGHLY covered that?

Anyhoo. Part of the storyline includes references to the song "Whip It." Yes that one. By Dee Eee Vee Oh, we are Devo.

And sure. We've all sung that song without a second thought. We've probably even made lyrical references to "whipping it."

Surely it's about whipping IT.

Whipping.

You know.

IT.

Right?

In the movie, a woman (who dies) leaves her surviving sisters letters explaining why she made the decisions as outlined in her will. One of the letters is simply the lyrics to "Whip it" which has the other sister fit to be tied but fully explains all to the one who received it.

As I was sitting here watching the tube, with the computer up and running, of course, I decided to take a closer look at the words. Surprisingly I found out that it's not about S&M or anything of a sexual nature... as you can read the backstory for yourself here.

And one verse in particular really spoke to me:

"When a good time turns around. You must whip it.
You will never live it down. Unless you whip it.
No one gets their way. Until they whip it."

Now it's your lucky day because I'm not going to interpret this for you. So you won't have to read through my personalization of DEVO lyrics. But take a minute to think about it for yourself.

Actually take a minute to read all of them. Here they are for your edification:

Crack that whip.
Give the past the slip.
Step on a crack.
Break your momma's back.

When a problem comes along.
You must whip it.
Before the cream sits out too long.
You must whip it.
When something's going wrong.
You must whip it.

Now whip it.
Into shape.
Shape it up.
Get straight.
Go forward.
Move ahead.
Try to detect it.
It's not too late.
To whip it.
Whip it good.

When a good time turns around.
You must whip it.
You will never live it down.
Unless you whip it.
No one gets their way.
Until they whip it.

I say whip it.
Whip it good. x2

Chorus

Whip it gooooooood.

I think I've found my new catch phrase.

What's for lunch today?

2007-05-02T10:40:00.000-05:00

Hungry yet?

Maybe, today, you need to hear this too.

2007-05-01T09:53:00.000-05:00

In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst.

In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title.

Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.

Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach.

Check your road and the nature of your battle.

The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.

Ayn Rand

Supercool Winkytool - Tygörz

2007-04-30T08:34:00.000-05:00

Why limit myself to watching only Spanish tv since I only speak English. Now I can not understand German videos too.

Ain't it the truth?

2007-04-27T10:33:00.000-05:00